Getting My Sh*t Together
A soliloquy on left turns and lemons.
You know how you set your mind on doing something, and you tell people you’re going to do it (like release a newsletter once a month), and stuff happens and you end up not getting to it for a time? But then eventually it feels like it’s been too long and you can’t just write something normal or off the cuff because you feel like you need to make a grand re-entrance into this arbitrary expectation you’ve set on yourself?
No? Just me?
Great.
The last newsletter I released was in September, which means it’s been six months. And I do believe that there is something to be said for discipline, and there is strength in consistency. But each month that passed by in what seemed like a blink felt like an insurmountable hurdle to getting back on track.
Life has been weird. Hard. Sad.
Comparatively (something my therapist tells me not to do), life isn’t bad. But I currently feel like I’m driving down an unpaved dirt road, one with potholes and bounteous rocks. And if I don’t grip my steering wheel tight and just focus on moving forward, I’m likely to veer off the road entirely; to say nothing of the motion sickness that this metaphor brings. During such times, sight seeing and stopping to smell the roses seems frivolous, if not impossible.
I’ve spent the last six months telling myself that once next week rolls around, I’ll be able to settle in better. Once (input arbitrary time here) passes, I will have a handle on all my shit and be ready to conquer the world.
Except…does anyone ever have a handle on all of their shit?**
In November I went back into therapy after taking a few years long hiatus. It was necessary and I’m glad I did, but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a petulant part of me that was internally stomping my foot wondering why things had gotten to the point where the tools I have in my arsenal weren’t enough.
Things feel bleak right now, on a lot of different levels. And I know I’m not the only one who is feeling that way. I know that there is uncertainty and anxiety plaguing many of us. I know that some things feel too big to overcome. And honestly, I don’t have any answers. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next.
But what I’ve been ruminating and praying on for the past couple of months is this - there is never a more important time for beauty and creation than in times of chaos and destruction.
The past 6 months have felt overwhelming, paralyzing, even suffocating. But that doesn’t mean they’ve been without joy and love and hope. And that is what I’m clinging to. Not because I’m turning a blind eye to what’s happening around me, and not because I’m emotionally and mentally checking out (though I’ve certainly had my moments).
No, the more I live and the more I learn, the more I realize how radical love is. How radical joy is. How radical hope is.
We use them as common platitudes, but to actively live them out in resistance to what is happening around us is, I’m convinced, the way we move forward.
There will always be struggle and conflict. And some of that can be healthy and necessary. But not at the expense of our humanity.
In 2019 I attended a Justice Conference hosted by Vineyard Justice Network. It was a beautiful weekend, and I met people I still keep in touch with. But one of the things that has stuck with me so profoundly was from a sermon given by Donnell Wyche in which he spoke about Empire mindset vs. Kingdom mindset (Kingdom mindset being the Kingdom of God.)
Empire mindset is one of fear, scarcity, anxiety, and control. It requires you to never be satisfied, to always want more. More money, more power. It is often angry, as fear can quickly mask itself as anger.
Kingdom mindset is one of beauty, and abundance. It cedes power, knowing that there is enough for everyone. It requires compassion, servanthood, and humility. But the rewards are priceless.
Kingdom chooses to see beauty where Empire chooses to see brokenness.
Kingdom chooses to see abundance where Empire chooses to see scarcity.
Kingdom chooses to see compassion where Empire chooses to see competition.
Kingdom chooses to see dignity where Empire chooses to see inferiority.
These days, there are people preaching from pulpits about empathy being a sin, about compassion being something to guard your heart against. And I grieve for us as this message lodges itself in our hearts, fueling our fear and hatred. Because make no mistake, it is hatred.
But there is hope, and there is beauty, and there is love. They may not be the loudest voices, but if you are looking for them, you will find them. And when you find them, I hope that you take them and multiply them.
Matthew 25:34-40 - 34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 ForI was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
**No.
Yes and amen, what you have so eloquently said resonates on many levels. Thank you for the reminder of the light, of Kingdom mindset (talk about radical!) and that my hard work in therapy hasn't "worn off" (you should see my foot stamping!), it's ok and good to face the things with help, now to set up that appt I've been wrestling to do for months . . .
I so needed to hear this. I too have been off roading for better or worse. Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel better knowing I’m not alone. And your writing is beautiful and so poignant.